I remember it exactly.
I was walking from the grocery store, where there is a Dairy Queen in the same parking lot (along with other stores).
As I walked to my car, the Dairy Queen was in my vision line. An overweight man came out with a dipped cone. I smiled and thought to myself: “How cute is that! He’s living a great childhood memory right there!”
I imagined his thoughts of: “Yahoo, I love ice cream, yum!”
I kept walking and witnessed an overweight woman coming out with a dipped cone.
With no smile I thought to myself: “Wow, she’s probably having a super shitty day and goes to ice cream to feel better, poor thing. I wish she knew better, I’m sure she feels guilty right now.”
I imagined her thoughts of: “I hope I don’t run into anyone I know; I better eat this quickly.”
I felt happy for him and sorry for her.
I then got in my car and had such an “a-ha” moment with myself.
I caught that thought about her and countered it with: “Holy shit Sarah. You gave the man a “pass”, and a woman a “fail”.
Same scenario, completely different experiences that I made up for both of them.
I realized that I judged the situation completely on my conditioned programming all about being fat.
It’s okay for a man and definitely not okay for a woman to purposefully eat a “fat” food.
This was the turning point, and starting point, of my liberated and loving relationship with body and food.
I had to own my warped beliefs about women, fat, weight loss, dieting, shame, guilt, good versus bad food…. all of it.
I had to be honest with myself, even when it was embarrassing to think that I thought the way I did.
I made ice cream 'bad' and that woman 'bad' for eating it, and I applied that for myself too. The shame I felt for her is the shame I felt for myself if I ate the 'bad' food.
I needed to clean that shit up!
I then had to give myself some understanding and forgiveness.
I needed to remind myself that I live in a society that holds an “Ideal” body look and tells me that if I’m not that I am worth less…. not enough, not doing it right.
I needed to rid myself of the whole diet mentality telling me that I'm a good girl if I follow the diet du jour and that I'm a bad girl for "cheating".
I had to become curious about my thoughts surrounding the subject before I could work on changing them.
It’s funny, my true self knew better than my conditioned self.
My true self showed up in that “holy shit” moment right after the conditioned thoughts.
Perhaps this has happened to you too. You catch yourself making a judgement call on someone or a situation without even knowing anything about it or them.
You then realize you have done so, and have your own “Holy shit, I don’t even know about it, and I’ve made up a story!”
The golden moment is here:
DON’T THEN JUDGE YOURSELF FOR YOUR FIRST THOUGHTS!
Don't let the thought “Wow, I can’t believe I thought that” turn on the guilt or shame.
Instead, show up for yourself like this: “Those first thoughts were from my conditioning…the thoughts handed to me by the society/culture I have lived in for decades. No wonder I default to them, they’re the easiest and quickest response. My job now is to let my true beliefs in, along with the truth of the situation. The truth is, I don’t have a clue what’s going on with those people.
My true belief is that men and women both can eat ice cream whenever they want!”
I'm giggled to myself as I wrote that last sentence: OF COURSE THEY CAN!
And the cool thing is, you feel really great about yourself for holding that true belief.
You feel really great for releasing the conditioned story…dropping it. THIS ISN’T MINE.
You feel really great for no longer making a judgement call on something that simply isn’t any of your business.
Before you decide to meal plan, exercise more…. whatever it is that is your go to for weight loss…do this thought work first.
Investigate your conditioned beliefs about this whole overweight/weight loss thing. What are you believing right now about being fat? What conditioned thoughts, handed to you by all the “ideal body” messages out there are you unconsciously holding onto?
It can sting! I had to give myself some grace as I felt ashamed for some of the thoughts I discovered I had.
Remember, they aren’t your truth.
This is the changing of a mindset.
This is dropping the baggage that isn’t yours.
This is growing into the real you, and from there you will do all the things that you know you want to do to feel the way you want to feel.
You BE, then DO, then HAVE.
Become, then act, then have.
You become: self respectful, self aware, self loving, self understanding, self forgiving, self accepting.
You then DO the actions that embody those BE-ings, then you HAVE the results you desire, the life you want.
IT IS A SWITCH FROM “I SHOULD BE” TO “I AM BEING.”
Doesn't that feel better already?!
This is true embodiment of the past, present and future you.
All of you represented in your life to live fully, purposefully, mindfully, and intentionally.
Who you are and how you act will bring the results you want from inside you.
Once you release yourself from the grip of the conditioned beliefs you have of how you ‘should’ look, how you ‘should’ eat, how you ‘should’ exercise, how you ‘should’ view yourself…you will discover how you really want to look, eat, exercise, view yourself.
If that makes your brain go into a panic with: “If I do that then I’ll just eat everything, stay on the couch and wear moo moo dresses for the rest of my life”, then there is investigation and work to be done there! That is your conditioned belief that you can’t trust yourself based on another conditioned belief that you lack self control proven by being unable to stick to a diet long enough. Again, another shitty conditioned belief that a diet would work in the first place and because it didn’t there is something wrong with you.
NO NO NO!!
We have been brought up in: You HAVE, then BE, then DO.
You HAVE to have the body you’re looking for and all the things you want, in order to BE the person you want to be and then you DO the things that person does.
As soon as I drop the weight, I’ll be happy/feel better/go to the gym/relax more.
Have, then become, then do.
This is living based on the external world. You will only do the things you need to do based on what you have. You will only become the person you want to become based on what you have.
I’m sure you can feel how unstable that is! How insecure and unsafe that feels. Relying on external things/people/image to decide who you are to become and how you are then going to act?
There is no anchor there.
We live in a culture that is too much about the action and results, and not enough about the thoughts and feelings.
YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS DRIVE YOUR ACTIONS, AND THEREFORE PRODUCE YOUR RESULTS.
I hope this makes sense to you.
I will recap by saying that the very first thing to do that will get you to where you want to be is: Start paying attention to your thoughts.
Do so without judgement or self criticism.
Ask yourself: “Is this mine?”
Do you really believe what your brain is thinking? No matter what the answer is then ask: “How does that thought make me feel about myself?” If you like it, awesome, keep the thought! If you feel uncomfortable in anyway about it, it isn’t yours.
Let yourself know that that it isn’t yours and allow yourself to think differently to form your own true beliefs about it.
Give this the time and patience it needs. It is so worth the work you guys! Be prepared to watch your personal magic unfold. You will blow yourself away as you witness the positive changes in your day-to-day actions, thoughts and feelings occur! If you need guidance with any of this, I am here as your life coach. This is the kind of thing I am here to help you with. I want you to discover all the amazing things that you are to live the amazing life you desire and deserve. Feel free to email me: sarahgwellbeing@gmail.com to have a chat about working together.