Here were my thoughts: "I'm hopeless. Why do I always need help with 'life'? Why can't I figure this shit out on my own? I'm a mess. Everyone thinks I'm useless and weak. And it's true. They have to be so sick of me by now. I'll never get it right."
It was a running commentary that showed up frequently, and it seemed that my life was continuously proving those thoughts to be true.
My thoughts felt like facts because all I saw was where I failed or where I was too needy.
I was insecure, anxious, and feeling like the world was working against me.
This cycle of thinking spiraled me into full on victim mode.
Everyone else was doing well...they were lucky, I was not.
I ping-ponged back and forth from "It's my fault" to "It's his/her/its fault".
The Shame/Blame cycle.
Most of the time, I couldn't see any of my strengths, accomplishments, or value. When people would compliment me I figured they were just trying to being nice or didn't see the "real" me.
Then, as I was reading yet another self-help book and signing up for a self-confidence webinar: "Silence Your Inner Critic", I realized something.
"Sarah, what part of you is still seeking?"
That question felt like me slamming on the brakes in my head.
There I was, alone, looking for help. For me. By me.
The book I was reading was recommended to me by someone trying to help.
The actual buying it and starting it was....me.
The webinar I was signing up for was because I went searching all by myself.
Somewhere inside me was: HOPE.
Shifting to that understanding was the step I needed to gain some momentum.
Slowly, and I mean sloooowly, I began to recognize my own ability to create more inner belief and strength.
Before this shift, it was like I was doing all the "things" because everyone else said it would help, and somehow that would make me feel more confident and less "I'm useless".
I was looking outside to create what I needed inside. (That NEVER works, by the way.)
After the shift, I realized that the crucial first step was seeing that I wasn't aware of the hope inside me, and then gently accepting that I was wrong....it was there.
I still had the thought of "I'll try anything, just tell me how to fix this".
I had to intentionally add: "There's something in me that wants to change, and maybe I can."
Even if I didn't truly believe it, I said it in my head.
More importantly, I purposefully reminded myself of the evidence to prove it true: I am looking for help/guidance.
Hopeless to a small dose of hopeful.
Hope is key. It is the driving force behind seeing somewhere other than stuck.
Hope makes life's challenges more bearable. It is a motivating factor and has the power to move you forward.
Trust that the simple act of you even seeking help means that hope lies within you.
Take the false belief that asking or looking for some kind of answer means that you are weak, useless, and hopeless. That simply is not true.
Switch to the belief that asking for help means you possess hope.
Embrace the truth that hope exists inside of you.
You have something in you telling you that things just may work out after all.
Don't let your brain take you down the spiral of "I'm hopeless and therefore nothing will "fix" me" and realize that the act of you reaching out to anyone, picking up a book, scrolling for inspiration, signing up for a webinar, listening to a podcast is showing that you possess the very thing you need to stop the self sabotaging spiral.
It may be just a glimmer, but it is there and you need to latch on to it.
That is the first step towards the change you desire and need.
Your job is to intentionally remember that you do have it in you to change.
As you practice this new thought, it will grow into a full-on belief.
A belief is just a thought that we think over and over and over again.
It becomes ingrained in our psyche.
That is really good news, as it means we have the power to change our beliefs.
You don't need to believe you are hopeless anymore.
This is going to take time and patience. You need to be gentle with all of this.
Decide on purpose to keep believing in yourself.
Remember that it isn't just the 'help' that is participating...you are there too!
You are actively participating in creating the positive change.
STAY IN THAT KNOWLEDGE AS OFTEN AS YOU CAN! (yes, I am yelling that at you)
Do your best to see how capable, brave, and strong you are.
That is exactly what having hope in you brings, and you've got it. xoxo
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