There are a number of emotions that are uncomfortable for us humans, and anger is definitely up there!
To lose your shit on someone or a situation, when you don't really mean to feels absolutely awful.
It's not who you are or who you want to be.
It's as scary for you as it is for the person on the receiving end!
You question why you are reacting with such force and you definitely don't like who you are in the anger.
You get angry at yourself for being angry, piling feeling horrible on top of feeling horrible.
Then, you worry that you're losing control of your ability to handle yourself.
Let's pile worry and fear on top of that heavy load you are carrying, shall we?!
Here is some help:
First, we need to shift the way we see and speak about emotions.
It's hard not to view "negative" emotions as "bad" because we catalogue feelings and emotions as right or wrong, positive or negative.
However, it isn't the emotion itself that we are describing.
It is the feeling that we have that we are describing, and feelings are energy within the body. Therefore, we are describing the energy within us.
We are viewing and labeling the energy in our body as positive or negative, right or wrong, good or bad, light or heavy.
It is the energy that the thought or behaviour is creating in our body that feels right or wrong.
It's all about energy.
Our inner dialogue needs to change from:
"I'm angry and that is bad" (I am simplifying here!) to:
"My thought or behaviour is creating negative energy in me".
I need to repeat that this is INNER DIALOGUE because if you said that out loud, most people would think you are super weird, right?! (Which is kind of a shame, isn't it?!)
The point is, anger isn't a "bad" thing.
Anger can be awesome and feel empowering and exciting!
It inspires humans to be proactive.
It can push us to stand up for ourselves, others, or our beliefs.
It is the catalyst for change and forward movement.
So many amazing things have taken place after being spurred on by anger.
That is one strong flame :)
That is anger as a high-energy feeling.
It feels strong and uplifting.
It is "positive" not "negative".
It is the feeling, from the energy, that is strong and uplifting, we just label it with an emotion.
You feeling the effects of negative (or positive) energy created by your thoughts or behaviour isn't the emotion ANGER. You aren't the ANGER.
You are the energy.
The bonus to this separation between emotion and energy is that you then see that you can control how you are feeling.
You can make the changes necessary to turn the "negative" energy into "positive" energy.
The yucky feeling you have when you think or behave in a way that isn't lined up with the remarkable, caring, compassionate, understanding soul that is your true self....well, that is you out of energetic balance. Your true energy is stable and calm.
You feel uncomfortable and uneasy because you are off centre when you react or think in a way that is not grounded in your true awesomeness, your true energy.
Your true energy is off balance.
It feels heavy and low. That is the energy: heavy and low.
We are energetic beings and our natural, optimal energy level is nice and balanced, right in the middle of high and low.
Not high, not low, just good and centred.
Grounded, steady, peaceful, content.
(I always picture a lion right out of a National Geographic documentary when I think about this state of being! There he is, lying down with the breeze in his mane, blinking and looking around slowly, breathing it all in so contentedly. Grounded, at peace, beautifully neutral, and free from any emotion, good or bad!)
Emotions are a way for the body to tell us that something is "off".
And by off, the body means: You are off from your centre.
The truth is that even the "positive" emotions can leave us feeling out of balance.
Like you are becoming hysterical with laughter, or feeling like you are going to burst with joy!
That can feel overwhelming for sure, definitely feeling off-kilter!
Laughing so hard that you start crying and then feel totally out of control...have you ever experienced that?! (without some kind of stimulant, if you get my drift!)
It can go both ways with this energy balance swing!
The body can only communicate with you by creating a feeling inside you.
So, you actually aren't hating being angry (and then hating yourself for being angry),
you are hating the feeling of being out of energetic balance.
AND THAT IS A GOOD THING (once you understand it).
When you make the shift from 'being' the emotion (I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm disappointed) to 'feeling' the energy the thought or behaviour is creating....you have made some space to connect to your body and listen to what it is trying to tell you.
This is awesome mind-body connection stuff right here.
Then you can have an inner dialogue - yes, talk to your body.
You talk to yourself all the time, right?!
So why not use it to build a loving, repectful caring relationship with that remarkable body of yours?!
Again, this is INNER DIALOGUE, hahahahahaaa!
Try something like this:
You just lost your shit on your loved one.
You feel AWFUL about it, but you also feel like you need to dig in deep and somehow justify why you reacted the way you did.
Maybe that looks like coming up with all the things that person does/did to deserve your reaction.
Maybe that looks like you coming up with reasons why you behaved the way you did and said the things you said (I'm a hormonal mess, I am exhausted, I am never listened to).
But, even after justifying your actions, you still feel awful.
At this moment in your awfulness, you need to remind yourself:
"RIGHT! THIS IS MY BODY TELLING ME THAT I AM OUT OF ENERGETIC BALANCE!"
Then, you send your body some love and gratitude:
"Thanks so much for the reminder, my friend!"
This moment will remind you that your true self is not a 'negative' energy being and you are feeling this uneasy feeling because your body is telling you that.
MAKE SURE YOU THANK YOUR BODY FOR REMINDING YOU THAT YOU AREN'T A 'NEGATIVE' ENERGY BEING!
That alone will bring you closer to energetic balance.
Just acknowledging that your body is here to help you and that you are actually a kind, compassionate being will shift you towards your centre again.
Then, you have given yourself the freedom to choose.
That space you have created by taking that enlightening moment gives you room to decide what you need to do to shift your energy from low to higher.
From heavy to lighter.
From uncomfortable to more comfortable.
Maybe that looks like going back and apologizing.
Maybe that looks like doing something that you know will centre you a bit more: taking a walk with the dog, petting the cat, putting on your favourite tunes, going for a drive to Starbucks, grabbing some weights and doing a quick workout, writing all of it down in your journal, telling a trusted friend all about what went down.
Maybe that looks like just acknowledging that you are not the angry person that you think you are and you are proud of yourself for making that shift in perception.
You don't necessarily need to act any further than making the shift.
The inner work is the most important work.
Sometimes we want to stay in the off-centred feeling. And that's okay, as long as you recognize that your body is speaking to you, you are listening, but you are choosing to stay in discomfort for whatever reason that may be. It could be that you need to stay feeling shitty for a while longer in order to fully and properly deal with the situation later.
The important element is you shifting the belief that "you are angry" to the knowledge that you are experiencing dialogue from your body saying you are out of energetic balance, the only way it can speak to you - through feeling.
And thank it! You will be building a trusting and loving relationship. :)
So, go forth and FEEL!
It's inevitable and okay!
Feel with the underlying understanding and appreciation of your amazing body and its desire to keep you content and at peace.
It loves you so much :)